It's Me, Not You (Follow Up to Notes In C-Minor)

Despite what I feel were my best efforts, this morning I was still in the same place I was last month.  The struggle with the school system to accommodate my daughter in school was annoying.  I had the perfect opportunity to have my daughter tested for ADD but the forms completed by the teacher painted a different picture than our one on one conversations.  According to her reports there was nothing out of the ordinary about my daughter.  She was fine.  This in turn suggested to the people that were considering testing my child for ADD that she was not an optimal candidate.  While they believed she did have some traits, they were not strong enough to warrant testing and inclusion in their study. 

Those words cut deep.  So basically I am at square one.  As tears streamed down my face, I questioned why I felt alone in this struggle, and why I had to prove to people that my child could benefit from a little bit of flexibility and assistance during school.  

I sat in the car, in the drive way of my youngest daughters daycare, and just cried.  I felt defeated and exhausted.  Then I started thinking about other things that made me sad, and I was a mess.  Things that had absolutely NOTHING to do with the current issue began racing through my head. I started making decisions that I wasn't going to do this anymore, and that I wasn't going to do that anymore, and basically people could kiss my butt, because I am tired of helping people with their problems as I struggle through my own.  

But just as quickly as the anger and pain came, it went away.  I started putting things into perspective.  I realized that there was nothing WRONG with my daughter.  She learns differently.  Cool.  Address that! I don't need a diagnosis to get me a piece of paper, to demand a subpar school system, to force their subpar school to make the subpar principal create an EIP or 504 plan for my child.   I've had conversations with teachers about her being off track more times than I care to remember, but just realized that they will NOT put anything in writing.  Maybe it's to protect them, the school or the County. I don't know.  

I just need to know what works for my little girl and go that route.  That includes keeping the focus on school this summer.  She's enrolled in engineering camp this summer. I am hoping that will help her see what's out there for her when she graduates school.  I am also working hard to find an alternative school for her.  I have a feeling we won't be able to enroll her next year because deadlines have passed and we aren't financially ready to send her.  I hate the fact that she will be in a school that is teaching to pass state tests to prove the teachers can teach the state test material, but hey, my hands are tied right now. I have no other options.  I can only plan ahead.  

I've committed myself to stop chasing a diagnosis.  I know what I know.  I'm her mother, and I knew this child was cut from a different cloth the moment she first kicked in the womb, I am satisfied with my diagnosis....Everything about this beautiful child is perfectly RIGHT.  I will encourage her to continue to ask questions, speak her mind and explore the unknown.  It's her world!   And I cannot believe that I was struggling to put society's standards on her, like she was the problem.   She has already taught me a thing or two, and I absolutely adore her for this life lesson!

Notes in C-minor

  

"She is reading below grade level"

"She is breaking crayons and hiding them in her bag"

"I often have to give her extra time on tests"

"I have to get her attention in class"

"We have to clear her desk so she doesn't get preoccupied"

Over the last 4 years, I've heard the aforementioned statements about my daughter.  My husband and I have had talks with the teachers and worked on plans to improve her reading skills.  We've also discussed issues of inattentiveness in the classroom.  But the teachers ALWAYS shared how well mannered and sweet our daughter was.  



The one incident that has always stood out the most was the crayon incident.  Someone at my daughters work station was breaking the classroom crayons.   The teacher pin pointed my daughter as the culprit after the evidence was found in the bottom of her book bag. When we confronted my daughter about the incident she burst into tears and told us she had no idea how the crayons got into her bookbag and that she didn't break them.  A week later, the teacher caught her in the act.  My daughter was only in Kindergarten.  She wasn't a liar, and she had a really sweet spirit.   I honestly felt that she didn't realize she was breaking the crayons.  

As a small child, my daughter was very busy!  Running around the house and bouncing on the couch cushions while watching T.V. was the norm for her.  I only questioned her hyperactivity a few times with the pediatrician, who assured me that this was normal.  She also had phases.  When she was a baby she went through a phase where she would ONLY suck on the nipple of a bottle.  No bottle attached, just the ring and the nipple.  She didn't want the pacifier.  As a toddler, she would ONLY wear dresses during one phase.  Then the flip flop phase.  She would have a full out meltdown if you did not accommodate these phases.  The dress phase included a complete wardrobe revamp (courtesy of grandma) of nothing but dresses.  

I'm sure you're saying to yourself, "Shoot, I ain't doing all that for a 2 year old".  And the old me would have chuckled at the thought of changing my life to accommodate this little girl.  But the reality was, we did what we could to make my daughter happy.  She wasn't a brat about things.  This wasn't a "I want dessert before dinner" type of relationship we had with her.  It was a random phase that she would go through and everything else was normal.  

As she grew up, she was always drawn to very big words.  Instead of saying something was hard, she would say difficult.  (maybe not a big word to you, but with her being 3, it seemed impressive).  She loved to perform, and at 4 sang "At Last" by Etta James during her school's Black History Month program.  She's done ballet, ice skating, cheerleading, gymnastics, girl scouts, liturgical dance, and is now learning to play the electric guitar.   

But something was still off for me.  Homework sessions usually involved tears, and constant redirection.  You could put her in the most boring room  and she would find something, anything, to take her attention away from the task.  We eventually began using timers for math homework.  At home, she excelled in her work (meaning came to the correct solution without help from anyone), which is why we were puzzled when her school grades showed us something different.  Reading short stories and answering questions about the story seemed to be a difficult task for her. 

I also realized that at times she can be socially awkward.  She hates large crowds.  She constantly needs to know the who, what and why of a lot of things.  Even a trip to the store can be daunting if I deviate from what I said we were going to do.  If you lay out steps A-D for her, she is fine, but if you add A-1, A-2, then go to B, or take out B completely, there is an issue and she needs to understand why.  (I hope that made sense) Nonetheless, EVERYONE loves my daughter and thinks her random comments and reactions are "cute" or "funny", when I see something completely different.  

I read this presentation and found a lot of similarities with my daughter: 
http://www.secacpg.org/Documents/Presentations/Boser-Learning&Emotions-2013/Boser_LearningEmot_04232013final.pdf

My current situation involves my realization that my little girl may have a slight learning disability.  But I have been unsuccessful in proving this to the school.  My goal at a recent meeting was to work together with her schools team to have my daughter tested for any learning disabilities she may have. Instead I felt unheard, and my concerns for my child ignored. 


At the beginning of the meeting, my daughters teacher stated that my child was distracted easily and that she had to get her attention to focus back on her work. I pointed out her grades of C's & D's, and was given subpar responses as to why her grades were that way.

The psychologist discussed that since my daughter didn't display outlandish behavior (i.e. - blurting out answers, not standing in line) that she didn't need to be tested for ADHD.  The principal even mentioned the rules of IDEA, but failed to address how her lack of paying attention was a detriment to her learning.





Because my daughter said hello in the morning, raised her hand to ask a question and stood in line during lunch, she did not fit the requirement for testing for ADHD.



The staff was unmoved by my attempt to show them my struggle, and my concerns.  They all concluded that since there was improvement in her grades and reading level after some form of intervention was administered that she didn't have a disability.  

 It is inappropriate to use passing grades or achievement test scores as a "litmus test" in eligibility determination decisions. Intelligence has no bearing on disability or need. Even individuals with genius level IQs can have a disability that affects their ability to access the curriculum.

My daughter has been seeing a therapist for a few months, and the therapist also recommended testing.  She saw signs of ADHD.  

My husband, father in law, and I have been working on some things to keep my daughter focused.  We have incorporated more reading time, and allow her to pick books that she is genuinely interested in.  

The schools "solution" for my daughter not finishing her classwork is to allow her to finish the work during morning warm up.    
  So does that mean she is going to miss out on warm up work?  How is that made up?  ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!  

I can't with these public schools in my County.  I'm tired of the state assessments that say my child is in the lowest percentile compared to other students in her grade.  I'm tired of the teachers giving my child extra time for tests and school work, without discussing with her parents.  Then they get upset when she is daydreaming during the extra time!   I am just TIRED!  

We are currently looking for school settings that are more conducive to my daughters learning habits.  It's been hard because they are all asking $16k a year for tuition (starting).    Financial aid is very limited.  We found one school that we feel our daughter would be perfect in.  The environment is exactly what she would need.  There is no structured seating (face forward, listening to a teacher teach for a test).  The school encourages thinking outside of the box.  The students give positive affirmation to each other.  It's just wonderful.  We're currently on the waiting list for that school.  

Have you ever been where I have been?  If so, how did you manage?  What steps did you take?  I know those with kids on the autism spectrum can have an even tougher time.     




~EITB